The Father of Assumptions

Mark Gorkin, LICSW

The Stress Doc pulls a story from the family trove that illustrates how easily erroneous assumptions can be created, especially when there's a family history of jealousy and rivalry. Yet, misperceptions can also be defused with courage and by allowing for individual styles of expression.

With the rapid approach of Father's Day, here's a story about my old man that reveals why he never ceases to surprise, if not amaze, me. Actually, it's a story about the assumptions we hold and about having the courage to challenge oneself, a parent along with deep-seated family jealousies.

Family Parallels and Alliances

The conflict occurred perhaps a decade ago while my brother and I were visiting our parents at their community condo in Florida. I started noticing a pattern. When my brother confronted my father on some issue - for example, his Type A New Yorker driving or his general impatience, my father didn't say much. When I challenged my father on similar issues he invariably reacted aggressively. This disparity was beginning to rankle. I reflected awhile on the possibly relevant family dynamics. While growing up, my father's depression contributed to him and me being distant. It also helped forge an intense symbiotic bond with my mother. In hindsight, this mother-son alliance was fairly dysfunctional. My father, feeling left out, and already being vulnerable, understandably experienced much rage and jealousy. My brother came five years after, and my father eventually bonded more strongly with his second son.

Ironically, as the years and tears would reveal, my brother's personality was more like my mother's; I actually, was more my father's son. For example, as an outgrowth of his mid-life crisis, after separating from the family for four months, he returned, then entered and stayed in group therapy for twelve years. My mother, very intellectual, much less comfortable opening up intense emotions than dad, cut short her therapy experience. And there was a definite parallel between the siblings. While we both gravitated toward the mental health field, Larry became a PhD clinical psychologist specializing in grant writing and research design. I obtained a Masters in Social Work, burnt out in pursuit of a doctorate and became a psychotherapist specializing in stress and burnout. Larry studiously avoided therapy, I was consumed by it. Clearly, akin to mom, my brother was more cerebral; like dad, I was more emotional and, also, pre-disposed to depression. And, a common grounding in therapy had stimulated various honest and heartfelt encounters that repaired much of the early mutual feelings of father-son hurt and abandonment.

The Pandora Triangle

But these old emotional bonds, alliances and jealousies can run silent and deep. So when I was observing and experiencing this pattern of Dad battling me and not Larry, I was frustrated and perplexed. I finally psyched myself up and pointed out the disparity in communication with his sons. This also felt risky because it was evoking memories of past, testy triangle encounters. For years, I wasn't just too close with my mother. As an adolescent and, even, as a young adult, I often sided with her in family arguments against my more "irrational" father. And even as we, over the years, worked through conflicts and old rivalries, I still held my breath a bit when, on certain charged issues, I agreed more with mom than dad. Now, of course, I think they're both nuts, and challenge them equally.

So after my frustration-based observation, I blurted out, "What the hell's going on here? Is some old family crap being stirred up?" Well this man was way ahead of me. Not the least bit ruffled by my passionate question, he immediately replied: "Nah, Larry gets all defensive. I know you can take it!" There it was. The old New Yorker credo: "If I fight with you, it means I really trust you." It also seems to indicate a willingness to be open, a basis for genuine closeness.

I was startled at first. And suddenly, several things dawned upon me, such as:

how important it was to risk his wrath or defensiveness and confront the communicational discrepancy,
by not asking the tough questions, how quickly assumptions can develop and spiral into speculations, misperceptions and, even, family conspiracies, and finally
the distance dad and I had traveled in rebuilding our relationship; we did have a special and genuine bond.

So this story is a love note to a man, more irascible and exasperating than many who, nonetheless, has provided many hard-earned tools and much courage to seek my true voice and deepest parts of my self. Keep fighting Mr. G.

And, of course, this Father's Day, Practice Safe Stress!

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